In Touch With My Feminine Side
Now don’t even think of it you raggely old billy goat!!!
Today was not going well, I’ve been trying to get a fifty seven year old tractor out of the field where it decided to breakdown while pulling what was left of my brush hog that I have re-welded several times just to have it fall apart again. On top of that I got kicked by a bull calf who liked the idea of castration a lot less than I did…. AND I was beginning to feel the painful burning and itching again that we all laughed about as kids whenever the “Preparation H” commercials came on…..And now this…..
It was the end of the farm day, so I went over to the goat pasture to feed them some corn. As things green up here, corn feeding gets less and less. Finally, it will just be once a week so I can call them up if I need to.
I hate corn feeding. It is chaos at its best. The goats are all over me while I’m carrying the bucket, so I have to carry it shoulder high. On top of that, they use the feeder as the loo during its down time, so I have to try with one hand to keep them out of it while turning over the feeder, and keeping the feed bucket out of their reach. On top of that ‘ol Billy is a pig, so I have to herd him away so the others can eat, then when I think they’ve got their share, I let Billy go at it.
So after the barnyard ballet, I had Billy separated and was looking back at the others when I heard a pawing at the ground and a “Hmmmph”. Billy was about to charge. Now caught off guard on another day, I might have been chased around the barnyard while screaming like a little girl in a pink dress, but my arm hurt from the kick, and my wallet hurt from the tractor parts, and I wasn’t about to let one old billy goat push me around. So I yelled and moved towards him. Well he decided not to charge (probably good for him and me), but he still kept lowering his head and pawing the ground and “hmmmph”ing.
Just about then, something strange began to happen to me. Something I couldn’t stop. It happened with my right hand first. It twisted around so the heel was facing forward then went right for the hip. The same thing happened to my left hand. Now I’m standing there, in the barnyard with both hands on my hips and this strange voice said one of the most annoying phrases known to mankind “Don’t even think about it Mister!!”
Let me first say that I’m fine with guys “getting in touch” with their feminine side. I mean, It’s the twenty first century right?? Unfortunately (for both Billy and I), my feminine side is an impression of something my wife has done to me for the last twenty five years….. but it kind of felt good…. And I couldn’t stop!!
Well, I started by telling old billy about all the things I’ve done for him over the last four years. How I’ve fed him and nursed him while he’s sick. How underappreciated I was and how thankful he ought to be that I owned him and not some butcher shop. While I was telling him this, I started thinking about bubble baths and body oils. I shook my head to get out of that vision and could see Billy looking all glassy eyed and probably wishing he had a TV remote in his hoof about now.
Well, that only made me madder, so I reversed my hands so the palms were facing backwards and put them back on my hips. Then I used the “history technique”. You know where everything that was wrong over the years has been stored in the brain to be reused for any argument. My wife’s memory goes all the way back to our first date when I locked the keys in the car while at the movies and we had to call her roommate from the only place that was open; a drug paraphernalia shoppe. Well, ‘ol Billy heard about all his escape attempts and him being as dumb as an…. Well… as an old goat . Before I could finish, Billy turned around and started to walk off.
As I heard myself say “Don’t walk away while I’m talking to you mister!!”. My mind flashed to a picture of me sitting in a garden swing in a white housecoat with flower petals floating down all around me. Then I snapped back into reality. Billy was gone, and the picture in my mind of me wearing a white housecoat made me feel…. Well…. uncomfortable…….
Seeing the goats busy eating and Billy walking away, I quickly switched back into man mode with a couple of well placed scratches and a precision attack loogie that landed at the base of a tree. I thought about telling my wife about the experience, but she wouldn’t believe me. Besides, why ruin the feeling that for one moment in my life, I could think of myself on that garden swing and feel…. uhhhhhh… pretty.
Today was not going well, I’ve been trying to get a fifty seven year old tractor out of the field where it decided to breakdown while pulling what was left of my brush hog that I have re-welded several times just to have it fall apart again. On top of that I got kicked by a bull calf who liked the idea of castration a lot less than I did…. AND I was beginning to feel the painful burning and itching again that we all laughed about as kids whenever the “Preparation H” commercials came on…..And now this…..
It was the end of the farm day, so I went over to the goat pasture to feed them some corn. As things green up here, corn feeding gets less and less. Finally, it will just be once a week so I can call them up if I need to.
I hate corn feeding. It is chaos at its best. The goats are all over me while I’m carrying the bucket, so I have to carry it shoulder high. On top of that, they use the feeder as the loo during its down time, so I have to try with one hand to keep them out of it while turning over the feeder, and keeping the feed bucket out of their reach. On top of that ‘ol Billy is a pig, so I have to herd him away so the others can eat, then when I think they’ve got their share, I let Billy go at it.
So after the barnyard ballet, I had Billy separated and was looking back at the others when I heard a pawing at the ground and a “Hmmmph”. Billy was about to charge. Now caught off guard on another day, I might have been chased around the barnyard while screaming like a little girl in a pink dress, but my arm hurt from the kick, and my wallet hurt from the tractor parts, and I wasn’t about to let one old billy goat push me around. So I yelled and moved towards him. Well he decided not to charge (probably good for him and me), but he still kept lowering his head and pawing the ground and “hmmmph”ing.
Just about then, something strange began to happen to me. Something I couldn’t stop. It happened with my right hand first. It twisted around so the heel was facing forward then went right for the hip. The same thing happened to my left hand. Now I’m standing there, in the barnyard with both hands on my hips and this strange voice said one of the most annoying phrases known to mankind “Don’t even think about it Mister!!”
Let me first say that I’m fine with guys “getting in touch” with their feminine side. I mean, It’s the twenty first century right?? Unfortunately (for both Billy and I), my feminine side is an impression of something my wife has done to me for the last twenty five years….. but it kind of felt good…. And I couldn’t stop!!
Well, I started by telling old billy about all the things I’ve done for him over the last four years. How I’ve fed him and nursed him while he’s sick. How underappreciated I was and how thankful he ought to be that I owned him and not some butcher shop. While I was telling him this, I started thinking about bubble baths and body oils. I shook my head to get out of that vision and could see Billy looking all glassy eyed and probably wishing he had a TV remote in his hoof about now.
Well, that only made me madder, so I reversed my hands so the palms were facing backwards and put them back on my hips. Then I used the “history technique”. You know where everything that was wrong over the years has been stored in the brain to be reused for any argument. My wife’s memory goes all the way back to our first date when I locked the keys in the car while at the movies and we had to call her roommate from the only place that was open; a drug paraphernalia shoppe. Well, ‘ol Billy heard about all his escape attempts and him being as dumb as an…. Well… as an old goat . Before I could finish, Billy turned around and started to walk off.
As I heard myself say “Don’t walk away while I’m talking to you mister!!”. My mind flashed to a picture of me sitting in a garden swing in a white housecoat with flower petals floating down all around me. Then I snapped back into reality. Billy was gone, and the picture in my mind of me wearing a white housecoat made me feel…. Well…. uncomfortable…….
Seeing the goats busy eating and Billy walking away, I quickly switched back into man mode with a couple of well placed scratches and a precision attack loogie that landed at the base of a tree. I thought about telling my wife about the experience, but she wouldn’t believe me. Besides, why ruin the feeling that for one moment in my life, I could think of myself on that garden swing and feel…. uhhhhhh… pretty.
posted by Brad Bachelor at 8:42 AM
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