Menopause takes the fun out of marriage.
Cloudy, 46/37, Fair to Fair. Winter has finally set in on our place and the weekdays don't offer much in the way of farm work except for the every other day of haying and graining the animals. This year, I don't know whether its from the drought or what, but I'm having to give out more feed to maintain their body weight.
Tomorrow looks like a gorgeous day sunny with the high of 49. A great day to finish up the sickle mower and grease up the old corn picker before we head to church Saturday night.
For years, Kathy and I have been playing a little game of wits (before y’all say it….. yes , she wins most of the time…..). Its kind of like a “lets annoy the spouse kind of thing” and see how far it can go. An example would be I go to bed an hour before she does. When she comes to bed, there I am laying catawampus in the bed. The first elbow she gives me really does wake me up, but its kinda fun listening to her trying to get her 230 lb bag of bones on his own side of the bed.
Now before you think she’s just an innocent victim, she plays the game too. I know this because every Saturday morning we’ve been doing the same thing for a couple of years. I get up early have a couple of cups of coffee. She’s up too. She fiddles around until I get dressed in the overalls and work boots and tell her I’m going to the farm. Then she says in a little kids voice “Your not having breakfast with me???” …. Sigh….. My answer should be “NO!!”, but the torture I’d be subjected to over the next 16 hours is not worth it. So I grab a chair and sit at the table while she pours me a sugary cereal, then when I finish that, she says “Oh, I forgot the grapefruit….”. I end up leaving the house with my lips so twisted and puckered, it takes me an hour to talk again.
She also does it with other meals too. As you probably have figured out by now, I believe the reason that marriages fail in these days and times is because of the invention of the crock pot. You can look it up!! The crock pot was invented in 1960. Since then there has been a sharp increase in the number of separations and divorces. I think I know why. Kathy will get out a bunch of ingredients and lay them on the counter, then go to the crock pot recipe book and decide what to make. Who da thunk that there would be a crockpot recipe for cheese, fish, spinach, and ice cream……. Or as she calls it, “chafishspin cream”. Hey, I’m a guy!! I can live for years off of burgers and pizza. For a little change of pace, I like my chicken in wings. Preferably hot!!
All that background so I can tell you this. Since we heat our house with a woodstove, the best marriage terrorism technique is the ol’ cold hands and feet tricks. These work best in bed after someone (mainly me…) has been in there a while, nothing like a cold hand on the back to send me through the roof. Well this morning it was my turn. I went outside started the truck, and spent a little extra time fiddling around in the toolbox with my metal tools. When my hands had reached the appropriate shade of blue grey. I went back in the house to tell Kathy goodbye. She was laying in bed and I bent over and slid my hands slowly down her upper back (I could keep going here and turn this story in a “Harlequin Romance novel”), and waited for her reaction.
“Oh thank you, thank you!! This is the hot time of the morning for me”
I stood there dumbfounded…... I had failed…… I have no idea where my marriage fun is going to come from now………. MENOPAUSE…..I CURSE YOU!!!!!!
Tomorrow looks like a gorgeous day sunny with the high of 49. A great day to finish up the sickle mower and grease up the old corn picker before we head to church Saturday night.
For years, Kathy and I have been playing a little game of wits (before y’all say it….. yes , she wins most of the time…..). Its kind of like a “lets annoy the spouse kind of thing” and see how far it can go. An example would be I go to bed an hour before she does. When she comes to bed, there I am laying catawampus in the bed. The first elbow she gives me really does wake me up, but its kinda fun listening to her trying to get her 230 lb bag of bones on his own side of the bed.
Now before you think she’s just an innocent victim, she plays the game too. I know this because every Saturday morning we’ve been doing the same thing for a couple of years. I get up early have a couple of cups of coffee. She’s up too. She fiddles around until I get dressed in the overalls and work boots and tell her I’m going to the farm. Then she says in a little kids voice “Your not having breakfast with me???” …. Sigh….. My answer should be “NO!!”, but the torture I’d be subjected to over the next 16 hours is not worth it. So I grab a chair and sit at the table while she pours me a sugary cereal, then when I finish that, she says “Oh, I forgot the grapefruit….”. I end up leaving the house with my lips so twisted and puckered, it takes me an hour to talk again.
She also does it with other meals too. As you probably have figured out by now, I believe the reason that marriages fail in these days and times is because of the invention of the crock pot. You can look it up!! The crock pot was invented in 1960. Since then there has been a sharp increase in the number of separations and divorces. I think I know why. Kathy will get out a bunch of ingredients and lay them on the counter, then go to the crock pot recipe book and decide what to make. Who da thunk that there would be a crockpot recipe for cheese, fish, spinach, and ice cream……. Or as she calls it, “chafishspin cream”. Hey, I’m a guy!! I can live for years off of burgers and pizza. For a little change of pace, I like my chicken in wings. Preferably hot!!
All that background so I can tell you this. Since we heat our house with a woodstove, the best marriage terrorism technique is the ol’ cold hands and feet tricks. These work best in bed after someone (mainly me…) has been in there a while, nothing like a cold hand on the back to send me through the roof. Well this morning it was my turn. I went outside started the truck, and spent a little extra time fiddling around in the toolbox with my metal tools. When my hands had reached the appropriate shade of blue grey. I went back in the house to tell Kathy goodbye. She was laying in bed and I bent over and slid my hands slowly down her upper back (I could keep going here and turn this story in a “Harlequin Romance novel”), and waited for her reaction.
“Oh thank you, thank you!! This is the hot time of the morning for me”
I stood there dumbfounded…... I had failed…… I have no idea where my marriage fun is going to come from now………. MENOPAUSE…..I CURSE YOU!!!!!!
posted by Brad Bachelor at 4:13 AM
3 Comments:
Hey Brad, My name is Guy, Come from up Manitoba, Canada way. Really, How cold are your hands goin to get in Alabama. You need some good old Manitoba cold to get your hands in condition to make an impression. Just had to comment because it sounds like you guys are up to the same anticks me and my better half get up to. Take er easy.
Guy
Hey Guy,
I know about those cold hands. My wife and I went to school up in the Soo. Just across the border from your lovely country. Cold hands are one of the reasons we moved down here.
Nothing keeps a marraige together better than humor. My wife and I have been bugging each other for 25 years now. When we're 70, we'll probably still be trying to goose each other with our canes when we bend over :)
Ha Ha, just checked out your website-it's pretty nice!! Waiting to here another of your famous stories on goatweb.
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